NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE HATED (BUT i DO)
I was treated as a POC in my White Middle Class neighborhood. For the record I do not know my full history but that is not the point, I am only saying I was CALLED and THOUGHT to be from a certain class for a significant period in my life so at least from that MINIMUM stand point I have some true practical experience with what I will simply call hate–you can feel free to call it what you wish racism, classicism, xenophobia- whatever makes you happy. I will say for my time in “Little Alcatraz Island” felt like forever and it felt impossible to escape.
I will only add that now that I am disabled (i was partially blinded by several events many that took place in school, events that only I and the culprits involved know about and have not spoken about since their occurrences -the thought of retaliation and having another target painted on my back was too much for this kind friendly confused brown eyed 10 year to bare. During this time my principal very effectively threatened that if I ”–had one more indecent I would not be graduating elementary school.” That idea significantly terrified me to radically alter who I was. From that point on, though many school authorities, teachers, playground monitors, crossing guards, safety patrol, parents and other adults knew and witnessed my torment for many many years and did nothing) I said nothing certainly not to my family or friends. At one point I had a teacher punch me and 2 teachers who liked to mask their abuse by very forcefully grabbing the back of my neck and using a force that was completely inappropriate for any 56 pound child let alone one that was complying. I believe I suffered serious and permanently injury from this grown men deliberately cranking and repeatedly crushing my neck multiple times during my prison stint in elementary school. Some of my teachers would openly mock me in the middle of class and call me a degenerate and evil and I was person to be despised and if something were to happy to him “I would not be upset.” I am certain that did nothing to embolden my bully filled institution.
Still in many ways you would be surprised how many people in my neighborhood or at my gym mock me and my wheelchair to this day. (ironically seemingly to be exclusively white men) Back in 2000 I was involved what I will call a hit and run as the women “hit” me and ‘ran’ away. She was released by the police, the police also chased away any witnesses and if they made statements the police NEVER informed of them nor turned them over to me. This all happened even though I was riding in a designated bike lane, being lane 1 and she turned into my lane from lane 2 to make a bank deposit having a what I would describe as a depraved indifference to my life or well being-I was permanently disabled and received zero compensation for my permanent injuries.) It seems as if I have grown up and most of the rest of the world remains in kindergarten school yard-it is shocking how many grown Caucasian men remain losers. My doctors that eventually treated me at the hospital informed me they knew “the police men’ and also the local ‘women’ that hit me and had no interested ”–getting in the middle of this–” and ”–wished to have no conflict with anyone–“
The partially PS was with my “accident” was that She was a manager at one of the fast food restaurant which she’s was making the deposit for and both parties escaped & 100% culpability. I will say that my bike was deemed 100% totaled by a local bike shop and did several $100 worth of damage to her vehicle (which she claimed to never hear happening. I believe if I slapped the side of your car with my hand you would damn well know about it). I see zero benefit to being disabled and tried to 1) disguise it completely or 2) radically play it down, i.e. even though my one of my arms no longer swings on its own when I walk (when I can walk) i purposely swing from my back to create the illusion that I have a more normal gate.
Few people sympathize with those of us that are disabled and this does play into what is the general mind set of most people— There are no curb cuts in the apartment complex I live in and when I use my chair I am forced to ride in the street. Further for years the security forces at the complex have constantly used intimidation to get me not to use my chair. period. And I mean scary dudes that look more like SWAT (totally seriously) bullet proof vest, side arms, stun guns, night sticks. Old school police car with the huge metal bumper in front–that I personally believe would have little problem beating you down or shooting and killing you. Let says when the kids have had to draw pictures for projects and asked to draw monsters, they frequently draw the security guards here. No joke. All at once much has changed and nothing has changed so maybe all this violent video games violent movies do have a general long lasting impact on people that does not have the typically as currently understood impact on crime but maybe it just encourages (can you handle that word? encourages us) all of us to just generally be bigger dicks?)
It was not uncommon to be called an “N” called a Puerto Rican I myself make no claim but to this highly educated hateful angry white people that is what I was. Like most privilege white people 1) they are too stupid to even know they are privileged 2) facts did not matter 3) you do NOT treat ANYONE this way no matter what they are, period.
growing up in an upper middle class overwhelmingly white neighborhood on Long Island felt like more like a prison term then a childhood, sure I had love and I had what seemed like friends, but the school there from elementary to High school was packed with bullies and abusive insecure adults. Ones that supported the game wittingly or otherwise, it was a very hostile environment if you were not at the top of the food chain–I witness levels of abuse that I believe were brutally and potentially criminal and many many adults were engaged in complicity.
I was the sweetest kid in the world and apparently that put a huge target on my back in a neighborhood raised to be predators by those they perceived as outsides and POCS.
They hated for me was immediate and that singled me out in 2nd grade my first day of school was bizarre and had me fighting on the playground for what seemed to be my life we had teachers there and parental volunteers “monitors” that were suppose to supervising the children. (we also had a designated “safety patrol” as well as crossing guards surrounding the school) They seemed to enjoy the make shift UFC weak mean contest against the 2nd or 3rd smallest kid in the grade vs. 6 of the biggest ass holes the school had. Yup they stood and watched EVERY TIME I can recall ZERO event where a “MONITOR” teacher or other adult stepped in to save my butt. Yet I can recall dozens where they stood by watched and laughed and spoke amongst themselves. Yeah I was shocked when I first was sent down to the principals;- office for “fighting” I disagreed with his descriptive term that completely mis categorized my reality–I was fighting I was trying to survive.
It might surprise you to learn out of every “fight” i had no one was every suspended but me, even when I battle sometime as many as 30 kids, yes I said 30.
Is it believable that no adult no authority figure had ANY knowledge;- ever of the extreme abuse I went through? I for one do no believe but you can if you want.
I was further shock when the man that looked like a modern day Ben Franklin in stature build and even the spectacles told me that I would be put in detention (what they referred to as suspended from class). Apparently I wasn’t suppose to fight back nor defend myself and if I did he loved saying “it takes two to fight” and I always corrected him, a behavior he found exceedingly disrespectful I would remind him it was “6 against 1” which he said I was being “disrespectful” and my comments were “inappropriate”.
From all beatings I suffered in school I got several concussions where I seen little stars around me and my ears rang so loud they sure seemed real. I was injured so badly that as far back as 2nd grade I could remember having serious issues with my balance and episodes where the world literally seemed to be moving in slow motion. I would deem them as “spells” (not the typical spell but more like the once cast you by a witch I had seen in movies, no I didn’t and don’t believe in real witches it was just a way for me to cope with how bizarre they were. Even back then I had PTSD and panic attacks which I told my friends was asthma, I said because I thought it was but now I realize what is truly was.
I remember one time getting my head crack against the schools steel door handles so hard i got a huge gash of with blood gushing out of it. the fire station as ironically right across the street and went the EMT learned i was badly injured, woozy dizzy eyes swollen shut bleeding the primal kicked them off the property and threatened to call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. Prior to that I had an several injuries to my left eyes which the school swore I needed psychological counseling for and they even had a school psychiatrist bought in just to “treat” me as I was apparently only doing it because I sought attention and was had fooled my w ( of course the PS was I had 4 surgeries including one to repaid a traumatic cataract which I ultimately became legally blind in my left eye and as a special treat thrown in my divine providence my eyes no longer being able to see began to turn inward so I was now effectively blind and crossed EYED! YEAH which only made me even more popular in school! Oh sorry the PS I had 4 surgeries on my eye to correct my “fake” problem that I was only doing to get “out of school work” and “curry favor from my finally”)
They had my Mom and dad convinced I was nuts which did nothing but improve my relationship at home, my dad was old school European boxer which believe there was NEVER and excuse for losing a fight whether you fought 6, 10, 20 or 20 people. So you can just imagine how that went over.
I would say my back was permanently injured , i had brain damaged as I had 20 concussion during childhood and had been knocked out twice. I also had my hand badly broken which to this day I never had surgery on.
The only REAL medical tenement I ever got was my eye which the school got of 100% (remember I was crazy and an attention whores)
My dizziness NEVER treated and made me subject to falling frequently yes I have fallen 100’s of times in my life if not more.
School was hell fear and caused me to have brain damage, permanent vertigo a partially paralyzed hand, made me half blind and gave me ptsd, thanks school, thank you teachers!
Is this the whole story?
No believe it or not it gets worse, yes MUCH worse!